AuroraLaLune

I feed kiddo before he goes anywhere and when he gets home but the lists of things he has eaten while he was away, even for a couple hours, do not fail to reach my ears.

Part of the reason I do it is because he's been a little self conscious about it at times. Secondly, if you aren't *prepared* for him without being fed first, you aren't prepared. lol

Tonight he had two dinners. One at a friend's house and then he came home and had dinner, and it wasn't a small amount of dinner either.

The other night? I fed him a heavy dinner before the fire pit and cook out with the young men's. He ate while there but was still hungry. Apparently he got a bit self conscious because he realized the expectation was to be done when they were wrapping up. He felt like he'd be rude and he was embarrassed to still be hungry. Poor kid. Puberty really does a number. It's completely normal. His might be slightly dialed but that's just because his metabolism was already high thus requiring higher caloric intake for him biologically.

Seriously though. I take him to doctors appointments packing snacks and sandwiches and he's always so irritated about it while I am doing it or if I ask him to make sandwiches for himself before we get picked up for the appointments proclaiming that he won't need them but he always gets to them, without fail, and is grateful to have it when he, inevitably, is hungry while we are not home to feed the beast that is his stomach.

As crazy as it is, this is reality for... most people.

Hearing from other's who have raised kids with crazy appetites has kept me sane because the logic defying appetite is a whole thing and considering science has not studying this to be able to explain it, at least not anywhere I can find, science cannot ground me or help me with this one. Gotta rely on other's who have raised boys or just boys or girls with insane metabolisms plus puberty meeting in some food hole of a union. lol Quite grateful for the people who remind me he's not the first kid to cross this bridge and won't be the last.

I do wonder if the other parents feed the kids before events with food though... but I am kinda afraid to ask.

He's the skinny kid, though still within normal, according to his doctor. Getting fat isn't his risk. If anything he could lose weight and become underweight if he doesn't get enough, so generally our policy is to try to plan meals around it and have something on hand for if that fails. Trying to cook for leftovers is like Russian roulette. Between him and his dad it may or may not work. Could also end up overshooting and end up with two meals and some lunches for his dad at work! Those are always blessings.

We do watch fat content though, so he doesn't develop other issues, and because he has traits that can lead to it if not careful. Just because not fat doesn't mean you don't have to watch out while consuming crazy amounts of food.

To be fair, on days his dad visits a friend's house once a week roughly, his dad also has second dinner when he comes home. We def know where kiddo got it from. The metabolism is genetic. Puberty and puberty related growth spurts and development etc is just an added layer of crazy on top of that 'there is usually something made for this reason' craziness.

If it wasn't for these two I'd probably subsist off crackers and the occasional pizza or soup. As much as I like cooking I don't like it enough to do it for myself like that. I try not to think about how what kiddo eats in a day could keep me good for days, sometimes for a solid week, maybe more. In all seriousness though, it took a bit to work up to me even having any appetite. Meanwhile I am fat. lol I'd blame genetics for that except it had a more sinister cause in the first place and isn't natural anymore than my early development of breasts was(both were acknowledged at the time to be medication related but since then it's been difficult), but was due to medications I was on as a child that aren't even supposed to be given to children('medical trial' was used as an excuse to bypass the ban on giving them to children- they knew about the issues I am having back then, knew it caused this and other issues but good luck having that discussion with a doctor as an adult after all that already was done- I didn't have weight problems prior to the medication that did this to me and it has caused a life long battle with no winner and near countless instances of doctors who simply refuse to believe it happened because of bias against fat people and just plain discrimination and wishful thinking-if I could have fixed this it would already be fixed). So anyway, my appetite issues weren't addressed for the longest because of the social stigma with being fat, because if I am fat then I must be lying about my appetite not being what it should be let alone whatever fat person stereotype someone has in there head(you'd think medical professionals would know better but no- turns out people are people regardless of profession). Kiddo is used to that, having lived with it since he was a toddler, and used to the idea I just have a smaller appetite than he does, if at all, and he's old enough to know sometimes me having no appetite and just eating something on a schedule, to eat something, is also normal for me but not normal as a rule for other people nor should he try to match me with it.. which was at one point the general gist for a convo we had to have after he actually tried to decide he ate too much based off of me, so I redirected him to look at his dad and told him I eat the way I do because there is something wrong in my body that makes it that way so he shouldn't look at me as normal for that- also I made an effort to be seen eating in front of him so he'd stop trying to feed me his food lol, which worked in his case because of why he was doing it.

I think seeing more normal is resulting in some self consciousness. At home we side stepped that a couple times. Like he's not the freak here. That's me. My situation is not normal and was caused by stuff beyond my control and all I can do is be as healthy as I can despite it while hoping eventually something happens so it can be actually fixed but he knows he's not the strange one at home. It seems to me, however, that he's eating less while out trying to be considerate and being self conscious but like, he's completely oblivious that what he considers 'not that much' could still feed two people lol. He said he was embarrassed to ask once nobody else was eating and they seemed to be deciding to wrap up and not be cooking more. I think the social pressure hit but I am also glad he doesn't know what normal appetite looks like and was redirected to look to his dad for that one, because ain't nobody falling for that 'totally normal appetite' thing and they shouldn't because him eating like that is entirely normal for his age. It would be stranger if he wasn't hungry like that.

Puberty is a whole thing. Poor kid. Complicates absolutely everything. Not only does it dial everything up but it also triggers a bunch of things that make you self conscious about it while doing so. I can't say I'd want to re do puberty.

Anyway- I am grateful for the people who commiserate about it with me and his dad and even just for the quiet understanding where it doesn't need explained because they've raised there own and seen some stuff too, crazy science defying appetites among them. I swear the look on the bishop's face was some 'ive seen some sh*t' face when he looked at how much we spent on groceries for a month plus the reference that his appetite had increased... because yeah. Yeah it's really like that. He raised his own kids, boys, so... apparently we reminded him of the tougher parts, like figuring out how to pay for it and how fast it goes.

The friend of kiddo's whose dad he was over today, as I was offering to send him with snacks next time if it was a bit much and because kiddo has been a little self conscious about it recently, said it best. 'Teenagers are eating machines'. Now kiddo isn't quite a teen yet but will be soon.

I swear all the people who just accept it and are like 'yeah I've seen this too and I know' are keeping me sane right now cuz there is really no scientific explanation for the amount of food that goes into this kid. Good thing he's not the first. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy trying to plan for his appetite but like, other people are just like various versions of 'it's fine. he's at that age.' and if they don't outright refuse the offer to send him with food to help give back to what he eats while over friend's houses, they often ignore it entirely, like today.

In all honesty I am more grateful than words because, when this stuff happens it feels like you are crazy or going crazy until other people are like 'oh yeah that's normal'.

-Luna

Tired. Been having more issues sleeping than usual with the lack of time to paint and express the build up from the flashbacks and nightmares. That will need to be fixed. Even if a temporary fix.

Doing paperwork up past 1am, almost 2am now. I started 45 minutes ago.

----------------

04/16/2024

Exhausted and now I find out the service that does the rides to doctors appointments AGAIN isn't sending them to the correct doctor which has resulted in a lapse, which means money because of course it does.

Been through this more than three times already. I have no idea why this keeps happening with the wrong doctor thing. I've verified where they need to be sending it SO. Many. Times. More than the three even.

After a night of paperwork which is pages upon pages and not quite done so needs done, probably will try to do after phone call while kiddo is taking self directed quiet time, I just... am so flipping tired. This was NOT what I needed today.

At the very least the rest of the current paperwork I need to do is done.

A nice lady on the phone went out of her way to sort things out for the month so I can make my appointments.

Unfortunately it did not outlast quiet time so I'll have to find another moment to get it done but it will still get done.

At least I am not juggling other very much on a deadline paperwork still.

Just juggling normal kiddo management besides school, school for kiddo, food prep, my own mental health, and this paperwork. You don't want to know what this would have looked like last week.

I spoke too soon. I just noticed in my inbox where better half forwarded me the 'intent to re enroll' for the program he is in for homeschooling that gives us more support, from the district and such, for him so... more paperwork. Not doing that before this one is done though.

I do think more states should do programs like this though. It's very helpful. Could do without the whole 'need spreadsheets for this' thing going on with it but it's helpful in that we can sign him up for classes and they will help pay for it. You just have to be very careful because the money runs out very quickly. Still. It's quite helpful and gives access to programs and resources you don't otherwise have, and even a 'homeroom teacher' they can contact and ask questions if you run into something where they need that. It's more symbiotic between the two rather than being an 'us vs them' mentality between homeschooling and public school.

The downside is that if you need IEP stuff in place it takes more than standard public school does. Think months of back and forth and evaluations etc etc etc. It's more complicated and requires more than normal public school would. At least our program does. It's mostly on the parents to accommodate at home but... when you need to mandate teachers actually respond(not all of them are great much like with when you have in person(so far homeroom teachers have been good but not all teachers for various subjects have been- this upcoming school year we are going a different route specifically because of that and other issues with direct classes) and have things on record... you have to go through this sort of process. Some kids need more support to thrive in academic situations and stop as soon as they run into something frustrating if they don't get it when they ask or even have trouble asking. Even if they may seem 'mostly normal enough' most of the time you never know what people's support needs are and those can get pretty specific and may never be noticed outside those specific situations and things. People aren't always obvious.

I stand by what I've said though. It's still better and easier to achieve GOOD homeschooling this way. There are classes we wouldn't even know existed without it. Such as lego robotics and coding, both things kiddo has done and this program paid for him to do. Smart kid. Very smart. Having difficulties to work through has nothing to do with intelligence, which actually makes how some people treat people like this a bit more horrifying when you really think about it.

I mean being told you don't understand when you do and can understand the horror happening but people around just refuse to acknowledge it and keep telling themselves and you that you don't so they can sleep at night is... a rather traumatic experience that can be a horror beyond imagining.

-Luna

I've kept the video journal's up but I won't link today's. The 'playlist' of 'video journal' is technically public even if the individual videos are unlisted to protect them from coming up in searches and such.

Anyway, been an exhausting week and this past month has been especially exhausting but we are re finding the balance.

I wonder if I should let the group go, the one I'm the last active mod on and I cannot keep it up. I simply cannot. It's not like anyone wants to join and help approve submissions and.. I cannot keep doing it. Some of the other co founders don't even have accounts anymore. The founder themselves has not been available for the entire time. They basically made the group, threw together some people, and let it loose into the wild.

Man I wish the group I tried to start on my own had that kind of luck.

Anyway, I have like negative charisma, unlike my mother, so... it's going to end up with me doing it alone forever if I keep doing it.

Also it's 'do paperwork for this that and the other' season in my life apparently.

Found some paperwork that we were having trouble finding before, since it was lost while I was in the hospital, but it's been found so now it needs filled out. I was hoping to fill it out before tomorrow but I don't know if I have the mental energy for that. It's late and my brain is squarely in 'bitch no' territory with that. Meaning I try to push further with mental tasks like that and my brain, my body, and I'd wager the universe if I want to be truly snarky, all have a go about how that is a big resounding 'no'. More or less it's 'it's time to deal with and process the day bitch, not add more to process. If it's not a mind numbing process you don't need this shit for to redirect your brain away from going down trauma lane then that is gonna be the biggest no and all the middle fingers'.

Basically if I want it done 'by tomorrow' I'll have to get up early and do it... which is hit or miss.

Today I planned meals for the week, obtained food we need to fill the gaps for other things we already have, planned contingency meals 'just in case', mostly stuff that will be pure misery for me and go through these two like nobodies business but if it comes down to stretching meals it comes down to stretching meals. I'd rather plan for it than run into it without planning for it.

I also added 'fix the couch and one of the pillows that busted a hole'. I pulled on the couch trying to get up and accidentally pulled a cushion instead of the more solid back it was attached to so this is entirely on me. I need to fix where it ripped at a seam. At least it ripped in a seam and also in an area not readily visible. Nothing crazy.

One of the pillows also busted a hole but that is normal stuff. Just stuff that happens with time and normal use. It is also a much smaller hole than what I need to fix on the couch. The couch is going to need one of the hooked needles and I'll probably use that on the pillow too, since it's honestly easier to do an inside stitch with a hooked needle than it is with a normal needle.

Oh, for my personal records, I don't control whether or not upstairs neighbors get internet. I only control whether or not our account gets canceled because they wanted the same deal we have but that's one per address and the sales agent tried to cancel ours to 'let' them get it. The absolute 'petty' I felt hearing part of a convo 'and she wouldn't give permission so we could get (insert company name) internet. No. I wouldn't give permission to cancel ours. There is a big difference.

I have no idea why upstairs neighbors want another kind of internet anyway. They straight had satellite internet installed not even a month ago. I am thoroughly confused by that situation and I assume someone is either stupid, was told something dumb and now believes it bc how would they know otherwise if the rep themselves presents it that way, or they wanted to 'justify' having satellite if landlord didn't like it, or someone else judged them for it, and they wanted a social scapegoat to try to look somehow a victim?

I don't understand needless lying like that if it's the social thing. Never have. I mean there is 'acting' and even combining with coping and such, but this is telling lies behind closed doors, though in this case imma give benefit of the doubt. It is entirely possible that extremely pushy rep, who btw pushed through the cancellation despite the complete lack of verification of my identity and skipping all the steps which I know is bad and that kinda tells me somewhere the culture around sales for said company has not changed... as I briefly did so and it's the only job I've ever walked on. I didn't even work there long enough to report it on my resume and absolutely every single pay check was short. I left with them owing me money but you bet your ass I never saw it and never will.

Anyway, call centers often have a lot of toxic things that go on i 'sales' but that one was the worst one I'd seen by far, as far as the handful of 'hourly plus' sales jobs I've seen.

Very good thing I called the company right after that call and got an account specialist to fix it, which is also how I found out the sales brat put through the cancellation despite me outright refusing to verify anything and telling them 'no, I will hang up and then call the company myself to verify if this is real' because it was the most random thing and they weren't even properly professional on the call.

Besides, I've had so many scam calls. Incidentally, scammers do not care if you are on the DNC list. Oh and then the 'we are calling from amazon' scam too. lol Even if I didn't already know that was a scam just from that, I myself don't have an amazon account and my phone number isn't associated with the account I use if need be. Better half and I share an amazon account. No point in having two, especially back when we had prime, and if there is a trial of prime and we need something that is cheaper or cannot otherwise be obtained... then bam. One account. One sub or potential sub to keep track of. One bill. Really that is pretty common practice. People share like that, especially when they live together and have for as long as we have, a lot. Sometimes I own the account we share and sometimes he does. Depends on the thing and who it was important to in the first place or who had it first. Sometimes it just happened that way. I never liked amazon in the first place and making a separate account just to have it never made sense to either of us so we just kept it that way.

Anyway, my info has been in way too many leaks and it's quite interesting how that leads to both these scammers but also people for fundraisers calling me.

The police one? I was thinking 'wow all that hardware and the pay etc and it's never enough' and even when they SAY they will remove you from the system when you tell them to remove from list or remove from all there lists, too many places are shady about it and delay or play word games and only take you off that specific list rather than system wide removal.

The one about the firefighters I can actually get behind but also- we are broke. Like too broke. We can afford exactly zero charities and would appreciate being left alone. If ever we come into the money to be able to be donating to charity it won't be to another state's police union... and arizona's is... a mixed bag anyway. Like people have actually rioted over it before, legitimately. The good officers are good but they don't always stay so because of how corrupt it is, to the point of being a corrupting influence upon people who join with all the best intentions. It's, like everything else back in arizona, corrupt as anything can be.

Just to put it in writing, understanding how corruption works was why I told the officers who suggested ex husband might have an accident on the way to the car to please not, because I didn't want to be part of something that doesn't seem like it's corrupting but is. I understand there frustration. One of those cops specifically had been out there way too many times and they all knew he'd done what he'd done. They also knew the courts wouldn't care because I was his wife and thus apparently, according to some old fuddy duddies, lost my bodily autonomy to say 'no'. Kinda tells you a lot about the 'people in charge' when everyone but said 'people in charge' can see how fucked up that even is. Those cops knew he'd spend a couple nights and get out and would have more rights and recourse than his victims so they felt like the very corruption that was why it is like that was the way to deal with it. Corruption doesn't always take root due to bad intentions and the corruption of a person does not happen overnight.

Anyway, I hope they never became corrupt. I've seen corrupt. I'd hate to see the few good ones back there become otherwise. Not just them but the couple cops I ran into after who weren't.

In az they straight up beat a man outside our window and told us to close the door and stay away from the windows. So yeah, the corrupt ones slip down and down and down. The good ones are few but they do exist.

I just hope the good ones I met stay good.

Anyway, unwanted phone calls from various sources aside, that sales person did not properly explain the situation and was pushing rather than trying to be informative. Had he slowed the f down and verified my account without jumping straight into his intentions and then explained the situation and done it ACTUALLY BY THE BOOK as it were, he'd have not had the problems and would have gotten his commission. I've done his job. I know what he did wrong.

Not that knowing always works for me towards application... but in this case it does.

You cannot cold call someone and then try to run ramrod over them like a linebacker if you want to not only get what you want, your sale and to verify the thing you are trying to verify such as with our case, where the address is technically one address split into two private units with own kitchen, living area, bedrooms etc. It isn't even uncommon these days as it once might have been. Anyway, dude messed up on several levels.

In all fairness I was always better at customer service and promotions than I was at sales. Sales always left me with a bad taste because even some of the things that were explicitly said to not be allowed technically were encouraged under the table. If the company the campaign was for caught you, you were on your own but if you did NOT do those things or find some other not skeevy niche, you'd lose your job. Catch 22.

When I found out the one place I worked was raided for drugs after I left I was both surprised and not at the same time. People being like that doesn't surprise me but I also didn't see it so... I didn't expect that to happen either. Then again, you cram a bunch of people just desperate for a means to survive with said survival being dangled above them to encourage less than good behavior towards fellow man and you get teens who just want the money and job experience without quite understanding how terrible some of that stuff even is and adults working something soul sucking. The ones who thrive are able to set aside morals and some of them will even say that to your face.

I was never able to set aside morals. I did not thrive. On top of it I dealt with triggers to my trauma and my mind isn't all that reacts to that, among other things.

Call centers pay less than minimum wage more often than not, getting away with it claiming commission only, which fosters the most desperate people but also gives sales a bad name at the same time, and should be something against the law. So many sups sale steal, especially during training. Not all do but it def happens.

I was good at setting people at ease over the phone, deescelating, or identifying when someone needed simply a different person to give them a reset, but not sales. I am good at helping people with various projects over the phone, general tech support, even website support for specific websites I was trained with, customer service, but not sales. That doesn't mean I don't have the training and experience to know it's by design, not accident. If that doesn't change then sales itself never will.

A good piece of advice for customer service, in case you ever need it "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar." If someone comes in piping hot you be the sweetest person they have ever met and they will feel bad and apologize if they have even a modicum of decency. At some point even the ones who don't, don't want to be on a recorded line being a complete sack of crap so just be the sweetest person they have ever met and follow what you are supposed to do and you'll be okay with the job itself. Now... how you handle the abuse and such some people levvy... is a whole different thing. I cannot say if you will be okay. Everyone is different. Similar to how I cannot do sales there are people who can do sales but cannot stomach customer service. The best at legit sales though, are good at both. Different skills.

Technically my skills would be better served, logically, in management, however I have never been socially adept enough to get there and I never wanted to start in a position not knowing what it was like to work there as a rule. Oh. Also contrary to how this may sound to someone reading it if they find it, I do not sell myself and do not have the confidence to do so, nor am I motivated by 'power over others'. I am simply making an observation based upon strengths and weaknesses, here. The 'art' of ass kissing is not an 'art' I am adept at, nor do I want a bunch of fake friends made to use them to climb some messed up social hierarchy. I have, however, got confidence in facts. If only I could say it out loud.

My only 'management' position outside extra curricular in high school and homemaker stuff, which includes a lot of managerial duties fyi, was a job I was given the title as a token with the promise of hiring a second waitress... then let go as the Head waitress while the new person was slowly given my hours. Keep in mind she never had us on the clock at the same time, which kinda tells a lot. She was never going to have that place run with more than one waitress. That woman, my first job and first boss at a job btw, apparently made a point of cycling through waitresses like underwear. I wasn't the first and I doubt I'd ever be the last. Basically when you asked for help or tried to speak up about something your replacement became the goal immediately. This lady constantly complained about not being able to keep people but she was def the problem.

She broke so many labor laws I was just too uninformed to know too. Multiple levels of them. She wasn't even good at management and she was the owner. She was dunking so so soo much money into an entire category of expenses I'd call 'bad planning'. It wasn't once or twice either. It was ALL. THE. TIME. Really stupid things like having not ordered enough bread for a coffee shop with things like toast and sandwiches on the menu then having her waitress run across to the convenience store across the way to grab bread. Don't even get me started on how illegal it is to take a waitresses tips and count them towards the hourly pay you owe them. SO many shady things. Then again, I am older now and some of the things said in the interview itself would have been glaring red flags where back then it was just confusing and I was just happy someone was hiring me.

-Luna

I was going to include earlier stuff but then I figured I'd have to actually figure how far to go back not to intersect with the last entry... and I just don't have the mental energy for that right now.

2nd

https://youtu.be/4shRtg3wnq0

https://youtu.be/FEsI3oBOKbk

3rd

https://youtu.be/nEiR4bYrV4c

I should add that this eventually lead to a semi resolution and just in case kiddo isn't full of it we will be calling the doctor and asking about a sleep study. Especially given that his dad sleep walks and has an extensive history of doing so. Kiddo does not but... better to check than to blindly say 'omg you lying little shit', not that I'd say it like that but it's easier than outlining the complexities and reasonings and contexts within what it turns out is more of a 'gentle parenting' style. Not that anger doesn't happen but- I won't say more specifics because privacy of kiddo.

Oh, yes still recovering but I am doing more than before. Just not a lot of energy left while getting kiddo's stuff back in balance.

-Luna

It's always been there but in one of the support groups I've been in for years has become more blatantly unsafe. Blatant to me I mean. There is always some underhanded bitch trying to see which people have a diagnosis in what and which people are asking for advice trying to figure issues out... like the predators they are. Unsafe. THAT kind of unsafe.

Usually I and others who notice ignore it because they aren't so blatant but... it's gotten to the point people doing it aren't even really bothering to pretend anymore. Like it's there, and they'd lie if you called them out, but the behaviors are not veiled. The questions they ask and how, are no longer masked. It's one of those things you get called a crazy person if you notice but a lot of us were heavily mistreated, not just me, and as it turns out when I turned people patterns into a special interest and spent years figuring them out, I was enhancing an awareness that comes directly from trauma and having to tip toe around people trying not to be harmed.

Anyway... some people leave as soon as they see that stuff but if you do that you just run into another one soon as you go to another group. Bitches are everywhere. Male and female but... a lot of them are female who do this specific set of behaviors, ya know... instead of what they are actually supposed to be doing. After all, targeting people with disabilities of any kind is quite lucrative for them.

Not supposed to talk about it but... it's irritating.

Besides, I've got other stuff on my plate. I've been trying to find a school that will take on kiddo, not an online one but an in person one, but it's one thing after another. Have been looking up special schools after that crisis call but all the ones listed I could find anything about(one of them isn't even listed online, let alone with any info about it or it's practices and no parents or kids speaking up about it either- which itself can be a really big red flag bc 'rebranding' is a whole thing with stuff like this too, so until there is info it's to be treated like the other things for now). The one had such bad reviews and the things being complained about are exactly what we are trying to avoid and they were clearly written by different people over a period of time. People with kids on the spectrum rarely leave reviews on places like that to complain at all, so if you see a place like that, it's a red flag. It's always a risk to even mention any difficulties at all, because wrong person sees it and next thing you know you've got a full investigation via the state, and because of how subjective it is if they 'decide' something even though nothing puts it towards that direction legally or in 'policy' etc... it's... a whole mess. The unspoken 'policy' is often not to correct it when someone does that wrongly, so you just live with the stigma and pain and just everything, for the rest of your life.

So yes, I've been on edge. A couple different things have had me so.

Better half has had to come home early a couple times while fixing kiddos meds again, though the first time wasn't a fixing meds sitch and was more of a 'the meds need fixed' and the doctor decided it didn't that time. This time we are in the middle of adjustment. We have to be especially careful because the last thing we need is some b, well meaning or not, making shit more complicated and claiming the trauma they aren't trained to see or deal with isn't having an effect they can see so must not leave the mark for us to then have to deal with for months after. And that's just for 'talking'.

Anyway, the special schools either use aba to train the kids to ignore there own needs in favor of pleasing the nts around them, are so horridly bigoted they outright have slurs and openly discriminate against the very kids they are supposed to be helping, or are a bit too invisible online.

In most things kiddo doesn't need many supports, and even can get by invisible. School isn't one of those things or places. Institutionalized learning, as things are, is stressful for kids without anything extra going on.

Oh and I should note, the spectrum isn't why his dad had to come home early. It's the other issue on top of that which can lead to violence from kiddo, which I sincerely hope he grows out of or therapy works.

Anyway, new type of therapy starting soon. Hopefully that helps.

Oh healing well. Most of my stuff from the surgery is all healed on the surface, and even scaring up. The areas that needed a bandage up until very recently don't anymore though I have to watch it, cuz those are scabbed and it would be easy to disrupt that and end up needing a temp bandage, but the spots having trouble reaching that point have not reached it, which is great.

Anyway, what I am worried about is that someone, wellmeaning or not, is going to use my disability and kiddos, mostly mine physically, to disrupt and cause more harm rather than actually help, regardless of what they tell themselves about it being 'helpful' etc. We are entirely aware. When the meds are right it's not like that.

I've been on edge though, because the more people we get involved the more I need to be until I know the new people are actually safe and won't re traumatize kiddo etc, or me, separate situations those were(had to prove what was done to me and you two was bullshit to get approved with kiddo here but... it didn't bring you home), but damned if I wanna deal with kiddo dealing with it for months on end. The thing is he doesn't even remember to know what he is even reacting to, similar to why he doesn't know why he targets me.

I have my very strong suspicions, from before disability 'made it easier', but... anyway I won't talk about this again for awhile. I don't like to talk about our difficulties or the fears.

I should note, I'd die beforehand though if he became a danger to the cats that would be another story. I cannot function without so I wouldn't have a choice. So far though, the cats are fine and not a target.

I know things will calm back down so I am more worried about people who might call harm help in the meantime.

I have also been trying to get more social supports around kiddo. He has the ones that work for now, but I don't want to leave anything hanging if anything happens. I know well enough death is often sudden, by what happened to my mother, so I am trying to make sure there is so much support if he needs or wants it, he won't have to flounder if his dad doesn't have an answer or can't translate bc his dad isn't on the spectrum to understand it.

Doesn't mean he's not a great dad and such. Just means we have different perspectives and help bridge between us, and if at any point one of us just ceases, or both, I want there to be all the support. It's probably just that irrational thing because there is no reason to believe either of us will pass anytime soon, but still. I try to be prepared even for unlikely scenarios. It helps me deal with the things I can't do anything about.

I just realized this entry probably needs a lot of context to understand so won't sound very coherent on it's own. Thus it will remain.

-Luna