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Oh I am so surprised,
Its my birthday and I am all alone.
Oh I am so not surprised,
While others have parties, sleepovers, and cakes I make my own by myself.
Oh I hope I can convince grandma this day is not hers to take away.
As much as I love that one family friend, can I really not have just one kid attend?


Oh I am so surprised, Christmas is here and I am all alone.
I try so hard to draw them in, to sing a song and bring them together. Why is my Christmas so lonely?
Oh I am not so surprised,
Mom was an angel so safe and warm, i think when she died i was cast aside. Nobody wants me.
Oh I hope one day to have them all together on Christmas day. Please Santa make it happen, all together and not so far apart. I just want them even though they don't want me.
Oh dear Santa please help me here. I am just sort of bugging grandma and grandpa to at least eat dinner with me this Christmas eve.
Oh it's warm in the house and the food is warm so why Santa does my heart feel like its out in the cold?

Oh I am so surprised,
Its new years time and not a single phone call.
Oh I am not so surprised,
All alone and brushed aside while grandam and grandpa go to a party with friend and leave me behind all alone. I sort of wish anyone would hold me right now.
Oh another year has passed,
I guess its not so different from years before. I sit all alone again. I didn't even bother to turn the lights on this time. The dark inside my heart fits in, maybe i won't have to see my face if i hide under my blankets tonight.
Oh, scolded for wanted to go,
I don't want to be left all alone.

Oh I am so surprised,
What a troublesome child I am, I am told. I guess if i wasn't they would love me and hold me.
Oh I am so surprised,
I'm bullied at school and I smile a lie.
Oh I am so surprised,
Mom were you the only one who could love me? I hope grandma just kills me soon so i can come play with you and my sister up in the sky.
Oh it never stops amazing me,
A teacher had to make grandma let me play,
I can't go outside and play, why does a teacher have to make her let me play?

Oh I am not surprised,
The older I get the more is expected the less is allowed but the more i am left to be all alone.

Oh I guess I can still be surprised.
Part of me didn't think grandma would do it again.
I guess my birthday was canceled this year.
If I am a ghost I guess I could just disappear.
I took this from old snippets from my childhood diary(elementary school age). I fixed some grammar and spelling, and i changed 'mommom' and 'poppop' to grandma and grandpa. I swore i would never call them that again after the straw that broke the camels back. Actually, i have not so much as stepped foot in that house since that particular incident. 

I think it makes a haunting sad song. I posted it here, because i am damn sure im not ready to sing it without crying even to this day, but... i wanted to share it anyway. Nobody has permission to use it so... yeah. 

-Luna  
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:iconzaxo-kenichi:
ZaXo-KenIchi Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Normally I enjoy knowing more about the life experiences people put into works like this. However, seeing the rather enormous edit you just did to the description of this piece, it's clear that you probably don't want to divulge so much painful and personal experience to strangers. So I won't pry further. Stay strong...

All that being said, the poem/lyric itself is well done. It flows well, has a steady theme, and has clever language usage. I can't really see any specific places where it needs improvement, so great job!
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:iconauroralalune:
AuroraLaLune Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I have been writing poetry and lyrics a long time. 

yeah, i did that massive edit, more because i know some people tend to be evil bastards who use that sort of thing against you. 

I know I am not my past but... some people have this... thing. I felt that i put too much in the description so it took away from it. It clued in that this left things out and id given information on what sort of things had been left out for the sake of my own sanity because putting it all into one song just... well, its too much. 

Then of course their is the fact that sometimes i know someone looks at this and judges me... and i just didn't want to be judged for the actions of others. Growing up i got every excuse under the sun for it. Also, i felt like... maybe if i left the explanation of which ages i took these from and put them together from the entries... it might take away from someone who might be encouraged knowing they are not alone and that you can live through it... i dunno, it just felt like... that was too much information to know and still appreciate the song. 

Heh, yeah... i basically cut out a shit ton in the description. Its cuz i wasn't so sure so much information was a good idea. Its better to let people ask or wonder sometimes. 

I lost a lot as an adult because my past, this past, was used in larger part to define me and... i lost my own children because i was deemed doomed to become my past rather than allowed to show i would not. They claimed i was mentally ill, and unable to be a parent but... they had no way that actually was stopping me, they just said that it made it impossible and didn't give a way it was or had made it impossible other than the fact they were hell bent on preventing it and ripping apart any happiness id found in life, more so in the lives of my children. They claimed(even though they admitted i was bonded to my children and they to me) that i was essentially too damaged to bond with anyone let alone my children(in the same testimony by the same people who said this, they said i was bonded to my children and them to me-basically it was bullshit and they only did it because nobody with the power to stop them, has done so because they benefit from it. Judges get paid with the money they make from taking those kids, lawyers, foster parents... everyone but the birth parents and the children themselves). They didn't win with facts or with proof, they won selling a stigma to the judge and because my court appointee wasn't submitting the evidence she had. Its a common problem, and this is like a carbon copy of so many other cases so... its not like its rare. I was a ward of the state till i was eighteen but i was 'in the care of' my grandmother. When i hit eighteen that was confusing enough to explain so i just didn't. You could say i am just... very weary of stupid people opening old wounds to say i can't be or do something because I was abused and neglected, because i survived through hell... and its like my grandmother is ensnaring me all over again because everything they said was everything she said to me in all those years growing up. It is abusive, not even remotely right... but you know, they get away with being monsters so i hope they like the monsters they will meet when they die because i am more than sure they are going to at least one religions place for vile people who did horrible things in life. 

Anyway... i can talk about it, thats not why. I just... well, i wanted to avoid more of the shit where people judge you on that... so... i just... i dunno. Some people will assume this sort of thing was just my 'point of view' and that it passed and was followed by fluffy flower thoughts or something... no, actually it got hella worse than this if you can believe it. This however, was focusing on the feelings around special occasions. I gave up on thanksgiving first so i only have a couple snippets of that so... i left it out. I only wrote one sentence about it as a child in regards to that, and i kept writing it every year with different wordings so i didn't include it, i don't really think it would have fit quite right as far as flow goes. 

I am glad, i chose those phrases because they flow well together but are undiluted words of a little girl. This project took some time to do because of the emotional nature of it as well as the... well it sort of required that i actually sift through the pages i still have of my childhood diaries so... yeah, it wasn't exactly an emotionally easy thing to do.

It is my hope that it helps someone, somewhere, feel not so alone. I know this sort of things happens, hell, i was earlier than when i wrote this in foster care so... i understand. I was in it longer than id care to think about and mom died right when she got us back. They took us because they had 'concerns', and 'just to be safe'. -.- Just to point out, that is supposed to be against cps policy and is supposed to be not within the law... but they get away with it a lot and they did then too. Anyway... i remember what it felt and all the things they said and how those made me feel too... and having talked to a lot of kids who grew up in the system with foster families or with a relative that just... well was like this keeping them because if your not the birth parent you get money from the state for keeping a child not yours... well, i figure maybe this song will help them feel not so alone, but at the same time maybe it can make people realize what it feels like and think twice? I think though, explaining it would... defeat that purpose with some people. 

Spend too much time in therapy, too much time in the system in general, and you become weary even without the stuff in the song to begin with. 

If you would like to know more that if perfectly fine. I honestly like to know more about what people put into their works as well so its fine. All you have to do is ask. Above i have spoken some of what was in the original artist description so... don't worry. It wasn't because i don't want it to be known, it was because i am weary of the system using it against me. I am weary of someone always thinking they can fix me and make it just go away, i am weary of family members who scorn me for expressing myself and for asking them why they were not their and having to ask them publicly to even get a response at all even if it isn't an answer. I am weary of the system and what it does to people, and i am mostly weary of being judged for things that are not even my fault. 

As was said before the massive edit, i don't think i can sing it without crying but i want to share it in hopes that it helps someone, somewhere cope and know they aren't alone. Sometimes, when people go through things like this... they tend to feel like they are the only one. I did. I have since reaching adulthood lost a lot of friends because of this in a way, because they still think they are all alone or think that i should just not feel anything regarding the past anymore. This alone has contributed to most of the suicides i know of from people who grew up in the system. People become so used to forced separations that they sort of just accept it and reject the kids who were taken. Its... a big issue. I got dragged through the mental health system most of my life because it made my grandmother more money. 

Sometimes, rather than see you more clearly with the knowledge of a persons past, some people are morons who just can't see past what other people did to you and said about you when you were a little girl or boy. That was the primary reason i shortened it, that and i didn't feel like... upsetting my little brother if he happens to read it. He got taken in by another family member and we were separated. He had a falling out awhile back with certain family members who lied to him about the situation i was in and... well, who lied about me in general. We had so little contact but.. basically he had a hard time coping with how they treated me as well. Of course he ended up distancing himself from them and me and... well yeah, id rather not be the reason he relapses since he is doing so well. Emotional stuff like this could cause him to relapse and he just committed himself to quit drinking recently so... it was also just in case my younger brother was browsing my stuff online and read it. I don't think he does but... even if he does i don't think he would read the comments. That was my reasoning. My younger brother is an adult now and even he can't handle it and he didn't even have to live through it. Aunt sherry adopted him and loved him as her own even for all her mistakes and her faults... his holidays and birthdays were holidays and birthdays. Its too much for him so... yeah. Explaining too much in this instance generally proves to be more than my younger brother can handle. before we were separated we were close, i mean we fought like cats and dogs but we never hurt one another and we were extremely close, we used to climb in bed with each other when we had nightmares or insecurities after mom finally got us back close. The separation before the one where family separated us was hard enough and that was only six months. Wreather or not we are the same, the bond still exists even if it is pushed to the back and ignored, so basically the emotional stuff... still effects him and it causes some issues because basically, they act like it shouldn't hurt him because they kept us apart while aunty pretended she had given birth to him and kept us apart pretending i either didn't exist or was too sick to be around him. basically... its an emotional fuck they ALL contributed to and I have a lot of reasons for having removed that. The same reason my journal entries are hidden on my page to be honest. Because i write about personal things and my little brother while well into adulthood, cannot handle it. he cannot handle the fact that it hurts or any of the feelings i deal with, and they basically fucked with us both when they separated us and did all that shit, pretending he didn't have a sister to miss. It was like... we were both completely cut off from one another. While he was not as abused... that in of itself was emotional abuse and... it makes it all the harder for him to deal with what I have been through, the fact that i have been through it so... i am considering my brother. That family messed him up emotionally too. Unfortunately the sort of thing that is with my brother and the emotional abuse of pretending like that and telling the kid their previous family doesn't exist or isn't their family anymore... is so common its hard not to run into someone who has been through it at some point or another... so... yeah. I am still hoping he finds his prideful ass through it and thinks and feels for himself and accepts himself. Unfortunately that means that if he wants to accept me he has to accept that I am not the same either. Before all that crap i was that petulant stubborn but sweet kid who never shut up. I was always talking about what i read or saw on some discovery show and was a know it all at the best of times. I say sweet because i have been told i was sweet. Anyway, nobody is the same after all that and i have more than enough emotional scars for probably an entire city and im not a fraction as emotionally fucked up as i have every right to be. I know this, i have been through therapy and independent introspections... i have learned to express it. I have also learned that i must guard how i express it sometimes. Some people are idiots and some people feel the pain with you and... well because of everything around it lets just say my little brother is a little more emotionally fucked about this than I am. So... its not like i knew that when we shared our childhoods it would bring stuff up... but then again we used to talk a lot when i was an adult and he was still almost an adult, not about that but... he fought a lot with aunty because she was still doing everything in her power to make him pretend i didn't exist without flat out saying that. Its... really screwed. 

Anyway, i hope that wasn't too much of an explanation.
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:iconzaxo-kenichi:
ZaXo-KenIchi Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
No, of course it wasn't too much :) Honestly, I don't really know how to respond. It pains me to no end that there are people who's souls have been ripped to shreds by others, and that there's little hope of things ever being fully healed. And to have such pain continue on even after you were thought to have escaped everything... I couldn't even imagine. Still, it's a testament to the absolutely staggering strength you have that you're still here, and you're still moving forward. I wish I could say that life will eventually turn around, and that I understand your hardships, but that would be an insult to your intelligence, as well as all of the strife you've had to overcome.

I guess the most I can say is that I promise you there are good people out there, and that there's always hope. I can't really say anything more, lest I undersell your strength and courage. Show life that you won't be defeated so easily.
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:iconauroralalune:
AuroraLaLune Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Honestly, if this is strength i never wanted it. Ive heard it said, the more you survive the stronger you are. If this is strength id have rather been weak and loved. Shit happens in the world and sometimes people do horrible things like the day my dad died, and i assure you that wasn't all those people did that day, but... home should always be the safest place for you in this world, the place you learn that nomatter what you are loved and protected, the place you learn that when you need help their is always someone to help you. The safest place, sort of like a sanctuary, but one you can bring your friends to and... my mom used to laugh when we had enough food for that, the neighbor kids and us would be like 'we're hungry'... she never once complained. I didn't know till later she worked extra hours at her jobs just to cover the cost. Then she STILL made time to help me with my homework and the same for my little brother. I mean... she was so much more amazing than some two parent families all by herself and then... well, My mom never wanted us to have to go through anything bad, which was why her last will not being honored was what broke apart my family. Her last will was this, not to separate us and that under no circumstances would any of us go to grandmother as primary caretaker or guardian. We had a godmother and her daughter was my best friend i mean, they were family and we practically lived at one another's houses, being neighbors only made that much easier. Anyway, aunt sherry's excuses was petty and were just fancy words for that she didn't want to take both of us and NOBODY in her family so much as considered her last will and all of them were like 'it was to spite grandma' and... omfg. As if my grandmother was the center of the fucking universe! No, it was because unlike my aunt my mother remembered and had been screamed at by grandmother even in adulthood. Me and my brother were listening in one time when we first moved down to az, she was screaming at mom in the middle of the night telling her she wasn't aloud to go on a date. Mind you, my mom was like 26... and my grandmother pulled the 'my house my rules' and my mom pulled out that she was in fact paying grandmother to babysit and if she had to she would pay someone else which led to 'your not bringing anyone else into MY home'... apparently mom was prepared for that. "no, i am taking them over to the babysitter."... mind you my mom worked two jobs plus she did odd little jobs on the side to support us and grandmother always wanted most of it no-matter what so that mom paid her for rent and babysitting and any food we ate in that time but wouldn't tell her what she made... that had grandmother steamed as fucking hell. How mom won that argument not to submit all her pay stubs i will never know. Apparently when i was a baby she stayed with grandmother and grandmother would siphon everything she had then complain to family members that mom wasn't chipping in on things like diapers and whatnot, because mom was being made to give her everything she had. I mean geez, grandmother was always about two things, money and control and she didn't care who she had to hurt to get either one of those things. That was really horrible so on top of everything mom always had to do little extra things that let her still pay for those things i needed, and things she needed. So even when she was still in the navy she would find ways to earn extra money which wasn't really extra. 

My mom was that warm person. Sometimes we had to have babysitters and whatnot but... we always knew that if that babysitter screwed up like the time the one with the pool didn't kid proof everything and lied saying she did and my brother fell in the pool and was pulled out by another kid.... or the time she thought i stopped breathing and didn't tell mom, which mom never knew about. She knew about the pool incident though so... she found a new babysitter after that. The woman wasn't even watching us, we might as well have been left to fend for ourselves not that she knew that exactly. She wasn't our babysitter very long but... meh. You see a lot of stereo typing about how single parents are 'never their'... but you know, mom was gone a lot but... i wouldn't say she was never their. We always appreciated her and knew she did a lot. when she was their she focused on us completely so in truth... things like dates me and my little brother were more than happy to push her our the door ourselves. I even got to do her hair sometimes which turned into a fight between me and my brother about which one of us would get to do mom's hair... We loved her and most of her dates were after our bed time so... i mean, it really wasn't like she was shirking as a mom or anything, she was always all for us so... my grandmother was just an evil vindictive controlling brat. 

Mind you, in the argument me and my brother overheard from the hall listening in because grandmothers screaming like a fucking banshee woke us up... goddess all my life i don't think i could ever forget the words that changed how i looked at my grandmother forever. It was the first time either one of us had truly been aware how... hateful grandmother really was. Basically since she couldn't 'win' at controlling mom an adult woman with two children who was amazing and loving and warm and kind to everyone god help you if you hurt her children though... anyway, basically, it wasn't always like that but... i dunno. I went through some therapy and found out grandmother did some other stuff when i was really really little. pieced things together about why mom didn't want grandmother around me as much sometimes... and yeah. It had more to do with grandmother using us to 'spy' on mom and using that information to hurt mom and try to get her fired from jobs she had and otherwise destroy her life than it did with what grandmother always cried wolf about to the rest of the family, which mom was pretty much isolated from so... they generally took grandmothers word for it. 

Anyway, grandmother screamed about how me and my brother were mistakes and was screaming like everything that was our fault for being born and everything mom didn't do that grandmother wanted her to do before we were born. Of course my mom interrupted her rant but later on in life i would hear every single solitary thing she thought mom 'wanted' above having children and taking care of us or that she 'wanted' mom to do with her life... so anyway, mom who hadn't so much as yelled the entire time snaps and screams that we are not mistakes, that we are her little miracles who were born despite the fact she herself was supposed to be barren and was pronounced such by a navy doctor on her base when she was younger... nope, we were like three and four... but last i asked my brother he still remembered it too. I was terrified he would get into trouble so i sent him back to the room and promised to tell him more that was said, we were like that. Mom defended us against her own mother, and i found out later my aunt can't have children and i wasn't supposed to be able to have children either. If my 'hereditary' you mean grandmother tried burning our insides so we couldn't have children with burning hot metal implement... then yeah, i guess so. IF my aunt remembers she blocked it out, i can't blame her if she did. mom had us but was told having my sister was kill her, it almost did. The scarring has effect on that. I have had more miscarriages than i will ever talk about and my boys truly were miracles... so... yeah. For whatever reason my grandmother was hell bent on only her son ever having children unless she did something to him too and its still unknown. Anyway, went from warm home with awesome mom to mom dead and sadistic evil grandmother in charge of my life and hell bent on controlling me. Any time she couldn't 'win' she would scream at me that i was 'just like' my mom and that my mom was a whore, a tramp, an evil vindictive mean and pretty much any other way you can insult someones character... anyway, then she would say i was 'just like' my mom again and then she would use her 'authority' to send me to my room and take away things important to me such as my photo album for 'talking back' which was defending my mom, who at that point was dead and unable to defend herself. At that point my grandmother would argue that i needed to take more medicine and would go to the psychiatrist she dragged my ass too every time she didn't get what she wanted and she would claim i just had an outburst with no reason. That woman was the queen of manipulation and getting the reaction she wanted out of people. 

Anyway... yeah. If this is strength i would have rather my mom lived and my grandmother died... earlier, so she couldn't hurt any of us anymore or spread her lies. I am even more isolated from the rest of the family and grandmother made sure of that till the day she died... she told them a lot of things not all of which i even know what they are so... yeah. 

Anyway, it wasn't always like that, thats just how it was after mom died and my grandmother sunk her claws into me. 

Hm, I know their are good people, just not the ones who sit back and do nothing. I have met a couple very good people and one of them is my beloved. Sometimes i am left stunned with the level of love and trust... the level of caring. I mean... yeah. he went through sometimes similar when cps took him from his parents and gave him to a highly abusive family to adopt, but then during his time in foster care the sheer ammount of medicine he was on should have killed him or put him in a coma. He had to go through speech therapy to re learn how to talk as a kid so... yeah. Honestly I consider him stronger than me. 
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:iconzaxo-kenichi:
ZaXo-KenIchi Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Apologies for the late reply. Internet issues.

Well, honestly nobody really asks for the events in their lives that steel them and give them strength. True strength comes from hardship. I understand that one would rather forgo strength for a normal, easy life. And I wouldn't blame you for wanting to live the rest of it as painlessly as possible. But at the same time -even though it came at a horrible cost- you have something special that few others do. You, your brother, and your significant other... you all have the ability to change the world for the better. You have the experience, and the hardened souls that allow you to make sure the things that you went through don't happen to anyone else. I'm by no means trying to tell you how you should live of course; you've been through more than enough of that. But I feel it would be a shame if all of your struggles were in vain, when they could be used for good. As I said, true strength isn't something anyone asks for, but it's a very powerful thing that can do very great things in the world. I would encourage you to try and take your experiences and use them in a positive way. Show everyone that nothing will truly ever defeat you, I'd say :)
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:iconauroralalune:
AuroraLaLune Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Life is never easy. It wasn't before all that shit happened, and i have no such illusions. I wasn't wishing for an easy life, just one with my loved ones alive and my grandmother not in control to make my life a living hell, and for people to stand up to the wrongs in the world a lil more so people don't have to get hurt so much by bad things left to fester by supposedly good people who really are just as bad as the things they let fester. Thats all. 

You are mistaken, souls do not harden. Only the shell around said soul hardens. A turtle is not hard on the inside and the purpose of hardening is to protect yourself and those you love. A heart, a soul, is still a very fragile thing. Sort of like a tiny but highly significant flower at the center of your being, but to protect it you harden over the years depending on what you have been through. I learned that people in general cannot be trusted and will stand by and do nothing about big things wrong then sit back and pat themselves on the back for being 'good'. Actually i learned more than that but... to me those who pretend to be good but really just allow the evils to happen right under them because it benefits them, that just tells me how evil they are to allow those things to continue happening. 

The hardening of a person, is not the hardening of their soul, its an outer shell that was formed because of no other choice. 

-Luna 
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:iconzaxo-kenichi:
ZaXo-KenIchi Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
To me, whether it's the soul hardening, or a shell around it hardening is somewhat superfluous. The important thing is that people who endure hardships can learn to be more resistant, as well as teach others the skills it takes to steel themselves against the colder side of the world. I wasn't implying that you had illusions that life could be easy. I was simply saying that it would be a shame your hardships to be for nothing. As you said, you wanted people to stand up to the wrongs in the world so that people don't have to get hurt so much. Well, whether you choose to use it or not is up to you, but your life has equipped you with more power to do that then most people have. Those of us who have extremely difficult lives such as yours are much less likely to understand that life is worth living if they hear it from someone who hasn't suffered much. They'll listen to people who've been though what you've been through.
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:iconauroralalune:
AuroraLaLune Featured By Owner Edited Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
my hardships are people and those who do nothing about evil deeds. congratulations, they should be shamed. 

Congradulations, the world doesn't make sense the way you want it to and their IS no reason for most of the vile crap that happens in this world. -.- so stop making excuses because really, all you do is grate on every excuse i have ever had to listen to why someone had the fucking gall to make excuses after the fact why they stood by and did absolutely fucking nothing, saying how i would be stronger, how i would grow... really. its not even close. it means when more shit happens, your already tender and it never really quite heals. people just like to convince themselves it does, and sometimes you have to let them think that otherwise they just keep hurting you more because rather than just acknowledge your right to be hurt and heal on your own they want to 'fix you' like their is something wrong with you because other people did bad shit. 

so, you think i have power and strength, your wrong. very wrong. I am a normal every day person who has been through absolute hell. The only thing i have over you is the fact that you really don't understand but seem very much to like to think you do. 
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:iconauroralalune:
AuroraLaLune Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
people do not harden, if anything the shell, the mask, is so the tender wounds and scars left behind aren't able to be readily accessed. If anything, it makes it easier to hurt you when someone gets past the shell, so... no, its no where near the same thing, you just see what you want to see. 
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:iconauroralalune:
AuroraLaLune Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
this is probably more insulting because you are starring at vulnerability and you only see the wall you yourself put between. 
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